Shade Archive
by Eiko Makimachi
Summary: After his death Zexion left to us his diary as proof of his existence. What were his thoughts about the Organization and about their fate? Contain spoilers for KH, Re:CoM and KHII / DISCONTINUED, READ LAST CHAPTER FOR EXPLANATION
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts belongs to SquareEnix and Disney.

An author's note: This fic is written in the form of diary/journal, and the notes that might appear by the end of each chapter are actually part of the chapter (Zexion's notes), not notes from me.

"Shade Archive" is the name of the item you can synthesize on Kingdom Hearts II: Final Mix + after defeating Zexion's absent silhouette and obtaining the required items. It is a replica of Zexion's lexicon.

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**Shade Archive**

Archive 0: In which I explain this journal and how I was born

_To the person who might find this book (…)_

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If you are reading this book I'm probably dead. Well, not dead exactly. We, Nobodies, can't "die", if that means having your heart stop beating. Because, you see, we, Nobodies, do not have a heart.

Hello, my name is Zexion, number VI of this organization. I'm the Nobody of Ienzo, who used to be one of Ansem the Wise's apprentices. But don't mistake it, I'm NOT Ienzo, he died when I was born. And although I retain his memories they do not have any meaning to me. I'm also similar to Ienzo in appearance, yet I think our personalities don't match much. Sure we were both rather manipulative and intelligent, however Ienzo was the kind of person you call "sweet and kind", and very naïve.

Such innocence leaded him to his unfortunate destiny. And to my birth. Ienzo died when he was eighteen years old, consequence of experiences with darkness carried on by the other apprentices of Ansem the Wise, Xehanort, Braig, Dilan, Elaeus and Even. Those also became Nobodies, and from now on they are Xemnas, Xigbar, Xaldin, Lexaeus and Vexen. Anyway, when Ienzo lost his heart I woke up pretty far from where he died, in a beach near a city called Twilight Town. At first I couldn't remember anything, but little by little Ienzo's memories came to my mind.

A human would say this is a really sad experience, to learn that you have died. When I looked to the ocean and the last memory of Ienzo flashed in front of my eyes I felt like crying. But no tears came. My rational side became confused, because I knew I was supposed to be crying. Still, I felt emptiness and loneliness on my chest, as if I had lost something really important. I placed my hand on my chest, where my heart was supposed to be, still not conscious that it was exactly my heart that was missing.

When I thought I was alone black spots appeared on the light sand, and tiny creatures from the darkness appeared in front of me. Having Ienzo's memory I knew those things were called Heartless, Shadows specifically. And I also knew that they were dangerous because they were the cause of Ienzo's death (even if they look like cute stuffed animals you see sometimes on toy stores, they can do a lot of harm, so never hug a Shadow if you see one!). They seemed to ignore me for a while, but one by one they turned their attentions to me. Back in my mind, one memory whispered.

_Heartless are only after hearts._

Then one voice that I didn't know echoed inside my head.

_You have no heart, yet you have something they don't. Run_

And so I did. I run as fast as I could from those creatures, because my mind said so. Somehow, I wasn't scared though. Still, like that voice said, they seemed to be after me, because they started to follow me.

I didn't know where to go, so I just kept running, until I had tripped on something, maybe a rock or a shell. That doesn't matter, because what really matters is that more black spots appeared around my body and more Shadows appeared, jumping on me. When I tried to get up I felt my feet sinking and soon I was swallowed by darkness. Something about it made me feel nauseated, and soon I've lost consciousness again.

When I woke up I was in another beach, one without sun, but with dark sky, dark sand and dark waters. Something heavy was on my chest and it fell on my legs once I've tried to sit down. It was a book with black cover, more exactly the book you probably have in your hands by now. Its title was "Another Side" though, and the book you have in your hands might have a different title on its cover. But I assure you both are the same book.

Yes, what you have in your hands is my famous Lexicon. A dead Lexicon, mind yourself. Because when I die, this Lexicon will lose most of its magical power and, aside from granting the new user some magic boost it will just be a normal lexicon and no more a weapon. It was born when I became a Nobody, so it will die with me when I disappear from this world. No one can read these words while I'm alive, for I've locked them with my magic, so if you are reading this I do not belong to this world anymore.

I'm not so sure what happened on my first day as a Nobody, but after some minutes looking at that book I finally saw five other figures that were very familiar to me, or at least to Ienzo. Xemnas was the first to approach me, followed then by Vexen. Back then I didn't know their new names, so I've called them Xehanort and Even. But Vexen shook his head and placed one hand on my shoulder.

"We are not Even and Xehanort anymore. We are Vexen and Xemnas now. And you…"

That was when I really became Zexion.

And soon I've learned that I was a Nobody, and what was a Nobody. Still, no one seemed to know why we became different from Heartless, since neither had hearts.

A few days after this we've created the Organization, but we didn't really give it a name until Marluxia joined us. At first it was a way for us six to defend one another and find a reason for our so troubled existence. So we've created a research facility on that dark word. Maybe it was because of the excess of darkness that we had some strange affinity for white things. You can tell that by Castle Oblivion and our main base on The World that Never Was. Although some late members started to show interest for other colors, like Marluxia for pink and Demyx for blue. Nothing against blue, but… why pink, number XI? Your hair is already too pink for my taste!

So, you might be asking by now why I'm writing all of this. Well, first, it's a record of our experiences as Nobodies. Vexen, Lexaeus and I believe it is important to register it so people will understand more our side of story. Because one thing that some people might not know is that we are not evil by nature. It just happens that our objectives could cause harm to others, and we had long forgotten what compassion meant.

But the main reason for me to write this is due to Xemnas' request.

This book is a way to prove our existence.

After years spent as a Nobody, I've come to the conclusion that, while we cannot feel emotions by heart, we still feel some things.

One of those things is desire.

We do not desire for world domination, like some crazy scientist (even though Vexen is a crazy scientist). Nor for world peace or something grandiose like that.

We desire to exist, and to be understood.

One can only exist if another recognizes our existence. But we, Nobodies, are not supposed to be Nobodies, we were supposed to be nothing. We cannot really exist, in a way. We are just an empty husk. Yet, here we are, acting like humans, but not really alive, because we cannot feel some things.

That's why our Superior, Xemnas, is always after Kingdom Hearts. Maybe that's the only way for us to have a heart again. And having a heart is the only way for us to maybe become alive again, and then, be someone rather than a no one. I think that we might feel some things, but it seems our body gets confused with the fact that, while soul and mind understand quite well what is going on we lack hearts to feel those emotions completely. So that usually ends with us not understanding what is going on and remain emotionless with each other.

We have a cursed existence. Most of us are stuck in the age our original selves died. So, although I'm supposed to be more than 20 already I'm still with the appearance of an 18-year-old, we do not age, physically. We want to feel things, but lack of heart makes it hard to accomplish, we have to use soul and mind to feel things, which is really frustrating sometimes. And many people think we are evil. I want to prove here that we are not evil because we want to.

Superior says I was chosen to put our story on paper by unknown forces. Why our weapons appeared to us we do not know, but he said that, knowing Ienzo, it was almost obvious that I would have something like a book for a weapon, because we both are what people call "bookworms" (and please, refrain from calling me emo because I hate this tag! It's not because I have hair on my face that I'm emo!). All the weapons we use are part of us, so, once we fade to nothingness they will become normal objects. I know that mine will become the book you are reading right now, but I don't know what will happen to the other weapons.

So, now that I've finished explaining some things to you, I hope you will continue reading this. I think I need to finish this quickly, because I hear Xigbar shooting and Demyx screaming, and that usually means trouble. Anyway, I know this first report was rather boring, but I hope you will have patience to learn our side of the story.

Since I'm the one writing here I'm afraid you will end up reading something more like my journal or diary, rather than a more serious report. Oh well, but reports are rather boring to read anyway.

Oh damn, I hear now Marluxia yelling. Xigbar must have shot one of his vases. What the heck is going on? Lately we have been acting like a bunch of teenagers here! Deplorable! And they call ME the brat here, just because I'm stuck at my 18 years old! I'm a senior compared to most of them, but no, just because by human age I'm the youngest they go calling me brat. I'll show them who the brat here is.

At least I'm more respected than Vexen. One day he is going to pop a vein if he continues to get stressed over the neophytes' lack of respect towards the seniors.

Another vase broken and I smell Marluxia's annoying petals. Enough of it, I'm going to see what is going on. I'll continue this later.

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Notes:

1. Have I told you how I hate the emo tag already? If not, I'm telling you now.

2. It seems that we are getting a new member, a female one, but I don't know anything about her yet. Let's hope she will take Marluxia's place as "the flower of the castle", because, really, number XI, having a MAN as the flower of the castle is scary. Way too scary for my taste.

3. Someone should tell Axel he should not try to cook again, unless he wants charcoal as snack.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts belongs to SquareEnix and Disney.

Note: This chapter has strong spoilers for those who haven't finished Chain of Memories or Kingdom Hearts II.

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**Shade Archive**

Archive 1: This is our organization

_(…)that was my life(…)_

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I believe I left you on the previous journal without telling who are we exactly. Well, last week we've got a new member, so we are a total of twelve individuals so far. I think I'm going to start this by our rank orders.

Each member has a number in this organization, and it is given according to how much time you've spent as a Nobody in this organization. So, that makes Xemnas Number I and this new member Number XII. We also receive a title according to our personalities, skills and jobs in this organization.

Xemnas is our leader, his former name is Xehanort. Being the leader, his title is obviously "The Superior". His current name is the anagram of Ansem the Wise's name, since he used to write his reports as if he was our master. I'm not sure how old Xehanort was when he became Xemnas, because Ienzo and the others found him one day in Radiant Garden and the guy seemed to be with amnesia. He is the one who got attracted by the studies of darkness, and probably it is his fault that we were dragged into this mess. Still, we respect Xemnas very much. Why? Well, he is the one who actually founded this organization, and he seems to know what he is doing so far. And I'm afraid he is the most powerful of us here, so I don't think it should be wise to go against him.

It seems that Xehanort and Ienzo were not exactly friends, because Ienzo doesn't have much memories of him. But I dare to say that I'm very respected by our Superior, and so far he didn't give me any reason to not trust him, unlike some other members (most of them neophytes). He usually is in our main base, stuck on his office/room and watching Kingdom Heart's formation. Xemnas' weapons are aerial blades and his power relies on "nothingness".

Then we have Xigbar, Number II of this organization. His title is "The Freeshooter". His former name is Braig and even if he was a very intelligent scientist his Nobody… seems to lack good sense. Like with Xehanort, Ienzo doesn't seem to have much memories of him, so I have little to say about Braig. On the other hand, Xigbar is a pain in the ass to me most of the time. He continuously teases me about how I'm too small for a man, breaks Marluxia's vases, pull pranks on Saïx (which usually results in me having to do first aids on Number II. Never irritate Saïx in Berserk mode, that's a rule) and I've caught him once or twice drunk with Xaldin and Luxord. Also, Xigbar dislikes administrative work, so he is often sent to field missions. Xigbar's weapons are a pair of arrow shooters, and his power attribute is "Space".

Xaldin, "The Whirlwind Lancer", is Number III of the organization. Dilan was his previous name. Ienzo doesn't seem to know anything about Dilan except for his name and looks, so I'll skip that "past personality" part. Xaldin is okay, I don't socialize with him much. But Lexaeus said once that Xaldin is a bit of a sadistic. He often goes to missions by his own, and is much more respected by Superior than Xigbar, who seems to be his "drinking bud". He uses lances and wind to attack.

Number IV, Vexen. "The Chilly Academic" was once Even, and he was the oldest of the original six scientist. You can tell that by his current appearance, he looks older than many of us. Even was a very polite and collected person, used to wear glasses all the time because of his bad eyesight and was usually hanging around with Ienzo and Elaeus. Ienzo used to have an almost brotherly affection for Even, because it seems Even was the one who used to help Ienzo and vice-versa. Vexen still resembles Even in many ways, yet he is not much respected like he used to be. Ienzo used to respect Even, but I can't say I respect Vexen the same way. Number IV is pathetic when coming to field missions, not because he isn't a capable fighter, but he seems to talk too much and fight too little for Superior's taste.

Vexen takes the numeric rank way too serious, and is always stuck inside that laboratory of his. Vexen stinks like chemical substances and I try to stay away from him as much as possible because of that. Plus, he seems to think I'm his guinea pig, so I just avoid his lab whenever I can. Vexen has little authority in our organization, but he is the one responsible for most of our research so he is not that useless. And he is the only one that has as much knowledge as I, so we are often discussing about his new discoveries. I still prefer to deal with him rather than Marluxia or Axel. His weapon is a shield and his power's attribute was ice.

Number V is Lexaeus, our "Silent Hero". Elaeus used to be a bit overprotective with Even and Ienzo, the first because he was really weak and the later… probably for the same reason. I know that physically speaking I must be the weakest person of us (that doesn't give you the liberty to assault me at night, Number XI, I'll trap you inside my Lexicon again). Anyway, Lexaeus and I are still close friends. It's a bit embarrassing to write this here, but Ienzo used to have those teenage crushes on Elaeus (dunno if Lexaeus knows that, but if he does he never mentioned it, and I thank him for that), but that is just plain stupid for me nowadays, I'm not going to act like an innocent girl like Ienzo did and I don't believe I can feel love anymore. Anyway, Lexaeus is man of a few words, but you can count on him whenever you need some help.

As for his weapon, I'm not sure whether it's a modified tomahawk or an axe transformed into some kind of long-ranged sword, like a zanbatou. Anyway, his attacks are earth-based. And God, being hit by his weapon HURTS. A LOT.

Well, and here we are again. Zexion, number VI, also known as "The Cloaked Schemer". I'll save you from my past because you might have already read it on the previous entry. My weapon you already know. My main attribute is Illusion. I dislike physical fighting so I rely mostly on magic and mind manipulation. I'm also able to create fake clones of myself (the only ones able to do that besides me are Superior, Marluxia and Larxene) or change my form to trick my enemies. Still, I do not go on field missions much, so you are able find me either on the library or in the kitchen for the most of the time. I'm the one in charge of cooking here, although sometimes someone else does it because I'm too busy with research or a patrolling mission.

Now, I should warn you to never ever make Number VII angry, because, like I said, you can end like Xigbar and need first aids. Saïx, the "Lunar Diviner", may seem calm at first, but when he goes into Berserk mode, run for your life! Saïx goes into such wild state that the neophytes gave him the "fluffy nickname" of "Puppy" (courtesy of Demyx). The only one that seems to be able to calm him is Xemnas. Nonetheless, Number VII fights with brutal force, and seems to have his behavior affected by the light of Kingdom Hearts. It's like the werewolf with the moon. He uses a claymore as weapon and, obviously, his attribute is the Moon. Saïx is the second in command of our organization. This is due the fact that even being lunatic as he is he still is the most loyal person to Xemnas.

Number VIII is Axel, the "Flurry of Dancing Flames", so of course his element is Fire. His weapons are a pair of red chakrams. Axel… is irritating. He seems to burn anything he touches, so I have to kick his butt out of the kitchen all the time before he makes it into a hot, living hell. He also keep saying "Got it memorized?" all the time, which annoys me when I'm trying to concentrate on a book. He likes to tease the other members, except for Saïx and Xemnas.

Next is Demyx, the "Melodious Nocturne". Number IX seems to be a little bit off the organization. He dislikes fighting, even though I've seen him fighting once and he is a very powerful opponent. His weapon is a sitar and his attacks are all based on the Water element. Demyx is the most cheerful and innocent of us and he constantly glomps me or Lexaeus on the corridors (which always ends with me going to the ground because Demyx is taller and heavier than I). Demyx claims that we have hearts, but he is careful to not say so when Xemnas or Saïx are nearby. I don't know if we have a heart, but I agree with Demyx that, little by little we are displaying emotions that we weren't supposed to.

Number IX is an avid eater of cupcakes, he keeps asking me to bake more.

Number X is Luxord, "The Gambler of Fate". Come to think of it, I really don't know anything about him. Considering that his weapons are actually cards it's easy to assume that he is a gambler by nature. He is also fond of drinking, and he actually uses cards to fight (very classy). His powers are over the element Time.

My least favorite member is Marluxia. The "Graceful Assassin" can be translated into two words: flowers and pink. You can sense his presence by the annoying rose petals that come from his powers over plants. He is a deadly opponent in fight with his scythe, and pretty determined, but those are the only good points of his person. Marluxia is a selfish, vain and narcissist. I also believe he is some kind of stalker or pervert, for I've caught him several times wandering next to my room during night. It seems that the same happened with Vexen and Axel. Once I did catch him inside my room and I trapped him on my Lexicon for some weeks. Superior can think he is a good member because of his countless successful field missions, but something is telling me that Number XI is plotting something under our noses.

Sometimes I think Marluxia has some serious gender issues, because almost everything he likes is girly (he even has a perfume collection, it makes my nose itchy when I pass in front of his room's door), his scythe, although deadly, has a very flamboyant design and his name sounds way too much like a girl's name.

On the other hand, our new member can be considered manlier than Marluxia and many of us. Larxene, "The Savage Nymph", takes the world "sadist" to a new level. She really takes pleasure from fighting and stabbing her opponents with her kunais, and behind that smile of hers hides possibly the cruelest person of the world. If her former self shared the same personality it's no wonder that she lost her heart. Larxene fights using Thunder abilities and is constantly mocking me (because I'm shorter than her by some centimeters), Vexen (she just doesn't respect him), Demyx (because "he is a weakling") and sometimes Axel and Marluxia, although those two are usually in good terms with Number XII. She HATES girly things (probably the main reason why she likes to bug Marluxia about his color preferences) and her cooking abilities can match Axel's. Or worse...at least we all know Axel's cooking results into charcoal. Larxene's... I really don't have a name for the "things" she does in the kitchen.

So far those are the twelve members on The Organization. It seems Xemnas is waiting for a thirteenth member, because he changed the organization's name for Organization XIII. I once asked him about this and he merely replied that the final member still didn't have a name, but his powers would make him a "special member".

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Some final notes:

1. Remember when I said about Larxene being the possible new "flower of this castle"? Forget about it. Marluxia is still our official "flower".

2. For some reason the neophytes (Numbers VII to XII) do not like to share their former name with us. I don't know if they are trying to hide something or they just don't remember it anymore. We also do not know in which circumstances those five lost their heart, if it was like us or if their whole world was consumed by darkness. It is, however, correct to say that all of us appeared in different places of Twilight Town after becoming Nobodies.

3. However, not all of them were attacked by Heartless and then sent to the dark beach. So far I only know that Demyx and Axel suffered the same sequence of events that happened to me when I woke up in Twilight Town. It seems that Larxene and Saïx were discovered while attacking people from Twilight Town out of rage, but they were never cornered by Heartless.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts belongs to SquareEnix and Disney.

**Shade Archive**

Archive 2: Proof of existence

_(…)I wish to be something (…)_

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Sickness.

That's what I've felt when I saw that white graveyard in front of me.

Ironically, Superior named it "Proof of existence". I believe that it suits, though, considering that for the whole human society we are supposed to be dead. Still, when I saw the bluish light in front of me, showing my Lexicon, my name, my title and rank number, I could almost say that I've felt fear in my stomach. But coming to think about it, it was more like sickness, and aversion to it, for I felt like throwing up after gazing at it for some seconds.

"I do not like it, Superior", I've said.

Yes, I did not like that. Ienzo feared death. I also didn't want to disappear. I wasn't content being a Nobody, but I would rather be a Nobody than nothing. That grave stone with my name…

"That's our proof of existence, number VI. Do you remember when Vexen asked for some blood sample from all members?" asked Xemnas.

"Yes, but I don't understand what do you mean by-"

"The lights of this graveyard are results of chemical reactions made by your blood, which has your soul. Once you disappear, so will the light." The Superior cared to explain.

It was a very morbid, but logical way to prove our existence. Yet I didn't want that kind of proof that was only true once I'd become nothing. I stared blankly at my own gravestone for a while, as something that I could not name started to rise inside of my body, something so strong that made my hands close tightly into fists.

"I don't need this kind of proof."

"I beg your pardon, Number VI?"

"I've said I don't like and I don't need this kind of proof!" I said, punching the screen of my gravestone, breaking it. Slowly the bluish light faded and so did my weapon and my identification. Number VI didn't exist in that graveyard anymore.

Unfortunately my actions had resulted in Superior punching me right on the face and the next thing I knew my head was being crushed against my broken gravestone, while I've tasted blood on my lips. I must have bitten my lower lip out of shock from the sudden attack. As my vision became focused again I could see Xemnas' golden eyes locked on me and his hand was holding me down the ground by the coat, pressing my back against the gravestone.

Another thing started to blossom inside me, something that from Ienzo's memories was the same thing that I was supposed to have felt when the heartless had attacked me on my first day as a Nobody.

It was fear.

I, Zexion, was _feeling_ fear.

That feeling shocked me, and it seems Xemnas had sensed it through my wide eyes, for the grip on my coat tightened and before my mind could register more about that feeling he threw me across the graveyard. In the process I broke my left arm, which was the first thing that hit the floor. Without knowing I've raised my right arm in front of my face, as a pathetic attempt to protect myself from whatever Xemnas had in mind. But the next blow didn't come.

"Zexion, you know what we do with those who betray the organization, don't you?" he asked coldly.

Instant elimination. That's what we do to the traitors.

"I will not restore your gravestone. But… it seems you are too valuable for us now to consider you a traitor." He said, placing his hands over my chest again.

That feeling again froze my body, stopping me from kicking the Superior out of reflex. I was lucky for not doing it, because I think I would be dead if I had tried. Superior merely traced with his fingers where my heart was supposed to be if it still existed.

"Fear. That's a very important feeling, number VI. But I don't need a coward in this organization, you better not let it control yourself." He said, releasing me and opening a portal to God-knows-where, but probably to his office or room. I hissed at the pain when I've tried to stand up, forgetting that my left arm was now just a useless appendage to my body. With much struggle I managed to sit down.

_That's why no one should try to go against him._

I was shocked. I've felt fear. I wasn't supposed to feel that. And then there was that other one I've felt before destroying my gravestone. It was… something warm, but not gentle. It was like a burning desire for destruction, but not exactly berserk, that's Saïx's doing.

My own thoughts clouded my mind to the surroundings, so I did not notice Vexen appearing from another portal behind me. Whether he was sent by Xemnas or not I've never known, the only thing he did was helping me to stand up and guiding me to his laboratory to fix my arm.

We do not have a nursery room in our castles, but Vexen's laboratory had a room for aiding purposes. And even though Vexen is the crazy old bat he is when concerning experiments, he could be a very good doctor. He could not be the most caring one, of course, but he wasn't exactly cruel with his treatments. I had my arm immobilized (it's horrible to write when your left hand is always getting in the way, I hope my letter is still legible on this entry), and was instructed to drink a potion twice a day to help healing both arm and lip, which had ceased to bleed and was starting to get swollen.

"Vexen… can we Nobodies feel fear?" I suddenly asked number IV. By his expression I could tell he wasn't expecting such question.

"We are not supposed to. Unless..." He did the same thing Xemnas did back at Proof of Existence: placed his hand on my empty chest.

Maybe Demyx was right? We could still feel even without hearts? Or…

"… I don't feel a heartbeat here." Vexen concluded, letting go of me and taking his own notebook. Vexen's notebook was filled with notes and sketches that many of us didn't understand. The only one that ever managed to follow his notes was I, but I should say my notes are far more organized that his.

"… there is the small possibility some events are triggering your body to recreate your heart. Not Ienzo's, but your own heart. Or indeed we can feel without having a heart. That calls for further examinations" he ranted, while writing on his notebook. "You didn't… experience any other emotion, did you?"

There I was again being Number IV's guinea pig. That was making me feel like a child or a problematic teenager whose parents had sent him to the psychologist.

"I've felt something that was similar to Saïx's berserk mode, I think, but I cannot say it was rage, it was a little bit different."

"Anger? Frustration?"

It wasn't frustration. Ienzo had felt frustration many times in his life. Could it be anger? I don't recall anything that Ienzo knew as "anger", he was a very calm and happy boy and if he had ever felt the same thing I've felt then he must had been as confused as I am right now. That's just so stupid, if I was feeling like a child or a teenager with Vexen's questionnaire before, now I was feeling like a baby who had yet to learn about the world, me, who is considered one of the most intelligent of this organization.

Vexen seemed to have sensed my confusion, for he just patted my head. When he did that I could have almost seen Even behind him, and I could almost feel like Ienzo.

"Zexion, don't screw your mind until it blows, we can't know everything, right? To tell you the truth… I have felt… you know, fear, many times since I've joined this organization. However why I feel it is beyond my current knowledge."

I remember to have looked down to my feet like a lost child and asking Vexen about what he feared most. The old man just shrugged and said that it was the same thing many of us feared, even not knowing. I was going to push him to answer it more clearly but we were interrupted by Lexaeus, who in fact was standing at the door for a while. I think I've said that before, but for a big man like him Lexaeus sure deserves the title of Silent Hero, we usually do not notice his presence when we are distracted. Even I did not sense his "scent" with my oh-so-sensitive nose.

He asked me what happened. Unknown to myself, I surprisingly got uncomfortable with talking about the subject. What a stupid thing! I was just talking about that with Vexen, and Lexaeus probably heard part of the conversation, why being… shy? I was being shy? Ienzo was shy. No, I don't consider myself a shy person. And I wasn't really embarrassed about it either. I think I just didn't want Lexaeus to worry about me, he still was a good "friend", if we Nobodies could feel "friendship". And we don't like to have our friends worrying about us, do we?

"Nothing of your concern, Lexaeus, I just had some harsh time with Superior, that's all. And you know he can be worse than Saïx when he is displeased."

He raised an eyebrow, which I couldn't define as a "Yes, I understand" or "I think you are lying to me, but I'll let it go", but that didn't really matter that time. All that mattered was that suddenly I was on Lexaeus' arms, being carried like a stupid wife to my own room. I remember I just punched him right on his face for such humiliation when he passed through Vexen's laboratory door. Oh, now I remember why I felt uncomfortable with telling him the whole truth.

"Are you nuts, number V? What do you think I am, some useless young girl? I can still walk!" I said, as of course my punch didn't exactly hurt Lexaeus. I hate being physically weak sometimes. But then, I don't think ANYONE could hurt Lexaeus with a simple punch.

"I think you are a stubborn kid." He merely said. "This is not too far from the truth".

Oh, thanks for reminding me I'm only 18, when you are already 20, Number V. That's why I don't tell him everything, he always treat me like a kid. For as much as I'm friendlier with Lexaeus than Vexen, the later had some sense to not act as if he was my older brother babysitting me. It sucks to be the youngest, no one actually respects you.

Which was not true in Lexaeus' case, he was one of the few members that actually respected me. Even if he had this older brother complex which I think he inherited from Elaeus. Except Lexaeus didn't smile like Elaeus. Like I don't smile like Ienzo. I smirk, I laugh, but I do not smile. I cannot feel happiness.

So, here I am, with my left arm immobilized, trying to finish this entry. Lexaeus left me alone sometime ago, and I can't sense his smell anymore so he must have opened a portal to another level. I really hate this room and this world, it's an endless night. I miss the sun sometimes; even if I'm not exactly the person that likes to get tanned or sunburned (I'm afraid Ienzo didn't like it too). But this world is too cold, and right now I'm almost freezing inside my own room. And to make it worse I have to apply ice on my lip for a while.

For as much as I dislike his company, I must say that Axel is the best person to have nearby during winter here. Just don't let him burn EVERYTHING.

I think I'm going to the kitchen and get something to eat. There is no point in continuing this entry, for I've run out of ideas and my swollen lip and broken arm are makes it hard to continue. Unless you expect me to write like a stupid girl about my one true love and other gossips, which I will not, you should consider reading someone else's journal. Like… Marluxia's, he seems to be the sort of person that does that. Or maybe it's just me being affected by the fact that everything he has is PINK.

Oh, I see Number IX's head coming out from behind my door. He has his puppy eyes on me and it's somewhat scaring me, as if he would jump on me or something and lick my face like a real puppy.

Soon his expression changed to his famous "Oh my God, what happened to you, Zexy!?" face he so often does when I'm not well.

* * *

To-do list:

1. Remember to drink another potion when I come back

2. Also remember to avoid Saïx and Xemnas for obvious reasons.

3. Find someone else to make dinner. Broken arm makes it impossible to work properly.

4. Also avoid Larxene, since it seems she is "on those days". Reminder: She already stabbed Xaldin's hand this morning. I already have an injured arm, I don't want to add a stabbed hand on my "incidents" list.

5. Prepare for next mission, or find a replacement. Not sure I'll be recovered until next week.

6. Also avoid Marluxia. Because he is Marluxia.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts belongs to SquareEnix and Disney.

Author note: I'm not following the stories behind the new KH: 385/2 days game, so I'm not sure when Roxas had met each other member, if he ever met. I'm discarding any info from that game in this fanfic, so it may turn into AU once 385/2 is released. In this fic Zexion meets Roxas before he moves to Castle Oblivion.

* * *

**Shade Archive**

Archive 3: My birthday

_(…)More than nothing(…)_

_

* * *

_

_Happy Birthday to you_

Today is my birthday.

Ienzo used to like birthdays. Even if he didn't show that to others, it was one of the happiest days of his year, along with Christmas.

This is my first birthday as a Nobody. And at first I wasn't really feeling like celebrating it. It was 6 AM when I woke up, just to see the same dark sky I always see. I went to the library, without really worrying about breakfast this time, since I wasn't supposed to cook on my birthday. Or at least that's what Xemnas had said yesterday.

After some hours reading I had finally heard some footsteps towards the library. Some minutes had passed before Xaldin's head appeared behind the heavy wood door of the library.

"There you are! Breakfast is ready. Oh, and happy birthday, by the way."

Such emotionless words. Not that Xaldin used to be much enthusiastic about anyone's birthday when he was a Somebody. Even Mr. Mad Scientist (if you haven't thought about Vexen you are the densest person of the world, dear reader) used to be warmer towards this subject.

I went back to my room to put some books I've been reading on my shelves, they were too heavy to be carried to the kitchen. But as I've decided to exit my room a portal was opened right in front of my door and the last person I wanted to see in my birthday stepped out of it. I would rather have Demyx put his stupid party hats on me than see Marluxia invading my privacy. Thanks God no one could go inside our rooms via portal without being pulverized by Xemnas' protection devices. At least SOMEONE still knew what the word "privacy" meant. And that person wasn't Marluxia, or Demyx, or Axel, for that matter.

"Don't you know it's rude to stalk people on their room, Number XI? I thought you'd learned your lesson already." I told him, fighting the urge to give him a lecture about proper manners. But he just smirked.

"Before you trap my person again on your precious book, Number VI, I'm here just to tell you, Lexaeus, Larxene, Vexen, Axel and I are moving to Castle Oblivion with Naminé permanently in two months."

Oh, thanks, Superior, for sending me to live with this freak. At least I had Lexaeus and Vexen to keep me company.

I asked him why he had to say that now, instead of waiting for me in the kitchen. It wasn't really something urgent. But instead the Flower Boy just slammed his hands on the wall I was leaning on, trapping myself between it and himself. As nervous as I was feeling, I couldn't help but smirk and add my comment to the situation.

"So, I guess you ARE gay, Marluxia. What are you going to do with me, huh?"

He seemed to have considered the question for a while, looking to the ceiling with his blue eyes, wondering. But then he punched me right on the stomach and left me agonizing on the floor. I thought I was going to throw up whatever I still had on my stomach from yesterday.

"… nothing." He said. "… yet. It's your birthday, after all. And I'm still not ready."

* * *

Hello, and here I am with Demyx jumping up and down on my bed. In pajamas. But I'm also wearing my pajamas, and so are all the others in my room, so I guess I'm having a stupid sleepover party here in my own room. Yeah, there are others here. Lexaeus is trying to get Demyx out of the bed, he is worried that Number IX might fall off of it and get hurt. Humph, always the big brother for us. Axel is here mainly because Demyx BEGGED me with his oh-so-famous puppy eyes to let the sick pyro in here. At least with Lexaeus he won't do anything, unless he wants to win a nice punch from "mountain man", as Axel call Number V. My books are thankful for that. Luxord and Xigbar are also here, playing poker. Let's not comment about how Xigbar always lose to Number X… let's just say that I'm happy they are not playing strip poker today, for I don't fancy seeing Number II's nakedness. It's just not slightly at all.

Day was boring. I've got a birthday cake from Demyx and Lexaeus when I went down to breakfast; some "happy birthday" from everyone and that was all. And there were no sign of Marluxia after that encounter, thanks God. What happened back there has been buggering me since then. What had he meant by "I'm still not ready"? What could that pink headed lunatic be thinking about?

I wonder if I should tell the others about it. Could it be Marluxia is plotting something against us? Maybe I should tell Xemnas tomorrow. The way he had said that… it gave me chills. I never saw such deadly expression on Number XI's eyes. It was as if he was the predator stalking his next victim. And his next victim seems to be me. I think I should place extra protections on my room, just in case.

* * *

A teddy bear

What the hell Lexaeus was thinking when he bought a TEDDY BEAR?

It was past midnight when Axel, Luxord and Xigbar finally decided to go back to their own rooms. As for Demyx, he simply fell asleep on MY BED, and I cannot remove him without waking him up, so I guess I'll have to sleep on this chair… not that I haven't done this before, I've fallen asleep while reading countless times already. And for some strange reason I feel guilty at the possibility of waking Number IX up. For some reason, Demyx acts as if I was his friend, so maybe I'm developing a friendship feeling? Could that be? Can Nobodies befriend someone?

Well, back to the teddy bear issue, when only Lexaeus and Demyx were in my room, number V gave me a big box that he had brought earlier. The thing was… huge, almost half of my size, actually.

When I opened it I've found a giant caramel-colored teddy bear with a red ribbon tied on its neck.

"… What the…?!" I said.

"Ienzo used to like those things." Lexaeus had stated emotionless.

"… But, Lexaeus…"

An awkward silence followed. I felt something heavy on my chest when I heard Lexaeus's reason for the present, and I was rather confused by his words. Something felt… wrong.

"… I'm not Ienzo" I simply said, while taking the giant toy out of the box.

Number V stared at me for a long time in silence, and then stood up and left, leaving me with the teddy bear and a drooling Demyx. I tried to grab his hand out of impulse, but I just stopped before I could even touch his fingers.

Here I am looking at the damn teddy bear. I had placed it on my bed, next to Demyx, and surprisingly Number IX didn't hug it yet. It seems that my pillow is more "fluffy". Some things have been happening to me that I quite not understand. I have "feelings" that I wasn't supposed to have.

When I look to the teddy bear's eyes I feel that the emptiness of my chest grows deeper.

I had reported those "things" to Vexen already, but I'm still not sure about Superior. "Rage" is something that has been taking control of him quite often lately. Maybe he has been spending too much time with Number VII. What I don't get is the following: while my mind clearly understands that a kind of emotion is starting to come out, there are some kinds of feelings that suddenly "stops". Rage, fear and frustration are some of the emotions that I've gotten used to.

However, when I look to that teddy bear…

Or when I look to Demyx… I feel that feeling coming to me, but then that "emptiness" appears again, blocking whatever emotion that was going to happen.

I know the word for it though. My mind knows.

But I cannot feel it, not anymore.

I can care for others.

But I cannot LOVE them.

I came to the conclusion that I care about Demyx's and Lexaeus' well-being. And I even care about Vexen enough to notice that Marluxia has been stalking him more insistently.

But they are not my friends. I cannot love them.

I remember that Ienzo used to like his birthdays because it was when he was able to go home and see his parents.

A very serious, short woman with bright green eyes and short hair smiled to him. She had given him a birthday present

A slim man was hugging him cheerfully and helping him cut the cake.

Between them was a small young man with a shy smile, holding a small caramel-colored teddy bear with a red ribbon tied to its neck. Behind the trio a very happy Elaeus was putting a birthday hat on the smaller one, while Even wasn't in that picture because he was the photographer.

That image is burning my mind right now. Those people are total strangers to me. Every one of them, even the young man who was supposed to be me.

Or it is that I am the one who was supposed to be him?

Why do I still have his memory, if I cannot feel I AM him? That's the question that have be bothering me since I woke up on that shore.

Could it be… that Ienzo still exists inside of me? If yes… then maybe I am the one who wasn't supposed to be here… right?

I remember that day in Proof of Existence and that emptiness appears again on my chest. The same that happens every time I am about to feel sadness mixed with fear.

* * *

Tears had fallen on this paper, so I had to stop writing for a while. Sorry for the blurry stains of ink. I guess some of it fell on my last words.

I've… cried?

Did I really feel… sadness for the first time of my non-existence?

God. What IS happening to me? I'm confused, I thought THAT feeling was impossible for us!

Frustration, anger, those feelings come from our minds right?

But love… sadness, pain… aren't those feelings linked to our hearts?

I do not have a heart, none of us have one.

I must find a reason for this all. Something tells me that we are following the wrong path, the wrong theory. Vexen has already hinted so on his own paper work. Not the ones that he presented to Superior, but ones he had shown only to me. Seems that last time he tried to convince Xemnas about his new discoveries the man just ignored his results, to Number IV's frustration.

Can Nobodies really get a new heart for themselves, like Superior believes?


	5. Author's Note

Author's note

It's been a long time since I've had time to log in and have time to consider my fanfictions, and I'm announcing that this story is going to be in hiatus.

While I dislike putting stuff in hiatus, since the releasement of 385/2 Days many info I've used for plot so far has fallen and this story is no longer following the canon events of Kingdom Hearts. I don't feel like it's worth continuing it as a serious fic anymore, so I'm dropping it.

I'm moving Zexion's diary to a Tumblr account (cloakedschemer. tumblr. com add it without the spaces), restarting his diary in a more informal, humourous fashion, where Zexion not only comments about his life in Organization XIII, but also about the KH fandom in general. I really like how the layout of Tumblr works for that .

So, I'm not continuing this story, sorry for all my readers.


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